Another moody day

I can really feel it right now already. Even before I touch the 20th word of my post, I know for a fact that I am having a massive mood swing. It feels like being strapped to the farthest end of a 20 meter long pendulum which itself is having a mood swing! It is extremely nauseating! On top of that, someone in the room next door is playing this shitty song from this movie called "Happy New year". It is called "Indiawaale". Heard that one? Hideous bloody song! Indiawaale? I guess Indians are gearing up for a race. The name of the race is "The country to bugger the Oxford dictionary the most WINS!". We already got "Jai Ho!" in, AND WHAT AN ACHIEVEMENT!. And despite the race being international, our folks will find a way to get quotas into this too. For instance, if we manage to put 10 words into the dictionary, 4 will be Hindi words, 2 will be Tamil, 2 will be Bihari, one Rajasthani, and one Assamese. And then there will be a fight over why the remaining 9999 languages did not get a shot at the quotas. Then the government will get hold of a huge supply of pacifiers to shut the trap of all the 'other-language' folks who are against Hindi being given preference. But the pacifiers will all be imported from the USA, for some reason. So all the proceeds from the un-discounted overpriced bulk order of pacifiers will go (not to charity) to the USA's kitty. The dollar will strengthen its stronghold on the Indian economy. Then there will be more brain-drain, because where companies in India recruit young workers like they are cheap labour, given the abundance of intelligence here,  spending a huge chunk of money to get a degree from abroad, then getting employed outside to get a bigger pay check, which in turn gives you a faster return on your initial investment, sounds like a decently lucrative option. And then one shall come back to India, carrying all of the faux-American accent, just to tell the relatives that "I went to Amreeka, where Laal mirch powder is Paprika!".

There's another thing I am pissed off with, even before I started kicking my mom's belly from the other side. It is one of the most unpleasant word on the planet. Pure waste of alphabets as a matter of fact! It is called MARKS. If there is one word in the whole set of all the words of all the languages known to mankind, that can completely terrorize every Indian, it has to be this word 'Marks'. 

The next most terrorizing thing is your neighbour playing the "Aashiqui 2" title song LOUD, and singing it at the same time! It is like a choir of terrorists when all the occupants of the next room sing this song! A bomb is just about to explode.. Any time now...

Oh my goodness! I am alive! Yes, of course! The chaps next door are engineers. That figures why the bomb they made didn't go off. Besides, yesterday was "Engineer's day". It was like a riot on social networking sites. No one had a clue what was happening! We have a day for everything. But one dedicated to engineers? Given the number of engineers in India, it just might become a national holiday.  

Coming back to MARKS.

I have unfortunately had to see perfectly happy folks turn into completely depressed creatures over marks. It is like a recursive loop. Your parents want you to get more marks. Why do things have to stop at 100? Apsara pencils came up with a perfect idea to quell this thirst for marks. "Extra marks for good handwriting." Nothing worth patenting, but a good idea never the less. Specially since no one actually got more marks. Some body must have recognized that it is purely a gimmick by Apsara to increase their sales. How the hell do you get more marks? By buying a new box of pencils? What a farce! The only case that ad would help anyone is if there are no pencils in someone's home. In that case, you might just get marks for having written something on the answer sheet. Now, that's the worst joke on the Apsara ad by a long shot. Here's hoping you got it.

Only in India can you sell your products by instilling fear/lust for marks. The parents completely buy it. They devour this shit!

I'll tell you my story for a change. When I was a kid, running around at kindergartens, there used to be this system of stars. The better you do your work, the more STARS you got in your notebook, on your answer sheets, and that sort of things. At home, my poor mom used to take lessons for me. She used to get really surprised, hopefully pleasantly, if I'd get all the questions correct. She must've been like "How did this retard get these right?". So anyway, just to make me happy, ans also to add a little variation to my star-lit notebooks, she started drawing rockets. I was like "Wow man! Chuck stars! Rockets are the next big thing. Dumb shit teachers!". And I was all happy with the stars, rockets and space travel. I almost felt like an astronaut! Had it gone any longer, I would have probably beaten Carl Sagan at finishing "The pale blue dot"!

But then, someone started 'marking' us for exams. No more outer space. Only Crash-landing. Head-First! Given that I used to pronounce "Take-off" as "Taefock", there was bound to be something wrong mid-flight. More on that some other time. 

And so flew 2 decades or so right in front of my eyes. And still, I see chaps crying. What they say while crying is still a puzzle to me, but it sounds like "hhhmmmmBubbyyyy!! I don't get marks!! Bhhhaaeeinnnnnnnn(cries)". I so badly hope that you, the reader have the mind capable of putting together what it is I am trying to tell you.

*** This is no attempt to dissuade you from your relentless pursuit of academic excellence. Just that in the 'rare' event that you are unable to attain your score, don't feel too disheartened. The world will be a no less better a place than it is already due to the absence of a Marks-monster.

Actually, if you come to think of things, why do we call these things 'marks'? "How many marks do you have?" The question seems to come straight out of a sadist who wants to whip your backside at the first chance he/she gets, so that you can get your 'marks'. 

And I am supposed to give a seminar tomorrow. Best part is that I don't even know the topic for the seminar. Now THAT's awesome!

The 'Maths' problem

My best ideas, or what I think are my best ideas, are the ones that pop up right before the date of an exam. For instance, I have an exam tomorrow morning, and I just came up with a brilliant idea of what I should write for the college magazine right now, while talking to my father. I am sure, that if I were in the toilet, taking a dump, while simultaneously talking to my father, the idea that you would have read, would have been much better than the one you are about to read. But never the less.....

Now, if you belong to a typical educated Indian household, there will be a few peculiarities that are common to most of us. Specially if you consider the order of importance of subjects we have in the school curriculum. Let's start from the top. The first subject that should ideally come to mind is... wait for it... wait for it... MATHEMATICS! If this wasn't the subject that came first to your mind, you.... probably sucked at studies in school. And mind you, those aren't my words. All Indian parents share that sentiment at some or the other level. 

If you go down a little further in the order of subjects of lesser importance, you will realize that the remaining subjects have virtually no relevance. So if the subjects were to be listed in order of importance, the list would look something like this.

1) Mathematics

2) Doesn't matter what subject

3) Doesn't matter what subject

4) Doesn't matter what subject

5) Doesn't matter what subject

6) Doesn't matter what subject

Now this is considering there are six subjects in your school curriculum. If the subjects vary according to location, feel free to 'do the math!'.

I am in the final year of graduation. So companies are swamping into my college(well, not exactly, but moving on) for campus recruitment. Here's a deal. There is a company that turned up. Their tagline went like this... "Do the math". And I was like *Facepalm*. That's how deeply rooted our unending obsession with Mathematics is. The only subject that can rival Mathematics in terms of favoritism is the Sciences. That too, I'm not too sure about Biology. Let's bash subjects one-by-one.

Starting with English- If you're good at it, all well and good. Apart from South-Bombay, that is all that remains of the British rule in India. Statistically, we are the second largest English speaking population. But then again, given our population, we shouldn't exactly be glorifying ourselves. A mere 10 percent of our population would outnumber that of many, many countries.

Coming back to the subject 'English', if you're brilliant at it and just above average at other subjects(read Mathematics), parents are going to be worried about you. 

"What are you going to do? You want to graduate in Arts? Beta(kid), you won't even jet a job that pays you Rs.10000 per month!"- Mother/ Father/ Some nut-relative

Now, let's turn to Social Studies, (infamously SST)- If you are good at it....

"Marks बड़े अच्छे लाए हो बेटा । Percentage बढ़ जाएगा तुम्हारा। पर काम के लिए क्या करने का इरादा है?" (Oh! Your score looks good in SST, kiddo! It will boost your overall percentage. But seriously, what are your plans as far as jobs are concerned?) And you go like *Facepalm*.

I shall not delve into other subjects, as things go from bad to worse. But just imagine, in case you are good at something like drawing/ music or creative stuff, the only caveat being that the remaining subjects look like alien languages to you, let alone Mathematics.... Oops! 

"I'm going nowhere! Somebody help me! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Stayin' alive!"

In my experience, neighbors have had rivalries  over the Math scores of their kids. Many a times, one of the mothers was mine. "बेटा , Maths में कितने नंबर आए ? ओह ! इतने कम कैसे आये, बेटा ? मेरे गोलू/मोलू /गांडू के तोह 100  में से 100  आये हैं। तुम जब चाहो तोह यहां आकर गोलू/मोलू/गांडू  के साथ पढ़ सकते हो, ठीक है?"

(Hey kid! How much did you get in Maths? Oh! So less? My son Golu/Molu*or-whatever-the-piece-of-shit's-name-is* got 100 on 100. You know what? Feel free to come over anytime you feel like studying Mathematics with my son.). And all this happens before your mother.

*Exit Neighbor*. 

*Your house door closes behind your back.*

 And somebody(Mom, usually) is giving you 'THE' look. And IN YOU MIND,.......YOU SAY.... Uh Oh. I'm so fucking DEAD! *Gulp*

"Mom, I'll study more next time"

I have absolutely nothing against Mathematics. Personally, I love Math.(**Many conditions apply!)

And honestly, I have had my share of screw-ups with the subject. So despite that I am not at all bad at the subject, I am not exactly the ace my parents think I am. But that's how things are in case you go to college far from home. The parents are perpetually under the impression that their kid is accomplishing a big deal, when in reality, "Meh!". Let's leave it at that. 

Here's how my conversation with my parents went today morning...

Mom: "You're all good, right, son?"

I: "Yeah, mom! I'm amazing. You tell."

Mom: "Nothing much. You study well. You're regular with your CAT(the stuff that gets you the IIMs if you work your pants off, just in case you're wondering) mathematics, right?"

I: "Yeah, mom! All going fine."(I probably didn't sound that convincing.)

And she was talking with the 'loudspeaker' mode 'On'.... My dad was sitting next to her!!!!

Mom: "You don't have Mathematics in your college curriculum anymore, no? Didn't you clear your backlog in Mathematics last semester?"

I:"No, mom. Yes mom."(WTF, mom??!!!)

My father was hearing all throughout. Suddenly I heard him say to her "He doesn't like Mathematics, or what??!"

You know the times when someone asks a question in such a threatening tone that the question sounds more rhetorical than worth answering? And you just nod/answer in a way that you can get out of your present predicament alive? This was going to be that situation.

*Somebody's gonna get hurt real bad*

Mom: "Okay, here you go. Talk to pappa."

And like that, Shit just hit the fan.

Dad: "Hey kid. What are you up to this fine morning??"

I: "Nothing, pappa. Just reading the newspaper. I'm going to study after that."

These are times you don't realize that you are going to be writing about this conversation for the next hour.

Dad: "All right, son. I'm driving. So, you do your Math properly. And yeah, take care."

I: "Okay, pappa. I'll call you in the evening." 

*Click*. Phew! I'm still alive! That calls for a toast! With omelette on top of it! 

I just remembered that I have an exam to prepare for, for tomorrow. How many hours do I have till the exam? I don't know. You do the Math!