Don't look now

You know those times when you're shouting someone's name so loud, but only in your head, that you feel your ear-drums burst? And it's followed by that loud piercing sound of silence? It's stuff like that which, if you can endure, will help you soldier along when the going gets shitty. It probably doesn't even matter if the name you shouted was that of the one you've fallen madly for, or your sworn enemy.

Too serious a start? Well, here's something that we all go through. You know Sunday nights, eh? That time of the week where we either live the most, or resign our fates to the impending five trudging days. The Sunday evening is like a game of chess in the head. You plan your weekly moves in advance, look for gaps, careless leeway left your way, an early escape on Wednesday, the sure-shot party on Thursday, and if possible, you give Friday a miss altogether. How easy it would be if someone declared the upcoming week a holiday. Yuhoooo!!!!! I'd be happy if someone did that for you. However, I've signed up for shit that never asked me to sign on a dotted line. So Sunday night....

Bloody hell! I'll see her again tomorrow! Yay! Yay! Yay! Well, that line repeated about a thousand times and counting. The stupid mind only stops repeating that line if I get my hands on a set of car-keys. In that case, all the monkey-mind can think is "Floor the right foot! Floor the right foot! Floor the right foot! Floor the right foot! Floor the right foot!", so on and so forth. It's a bit of a recursion, life as of now. And then, Monday comes.

Just to give a description of what happens, it's all well and good till she walks in. Then....the world crumbles, blood-supply to vitals seize, all systems flat-line, and the body spirals onto a limbo for the next five hours. During the limbo, and even way after the limbo's over, all I can think of is this atrociously attractive human form. No! It's happening again! How do you stop ranting and raving about what you think, when there's only one thought being repeatedly rendered in the head?

She's an arm's reach away, and yet so far away from my touch, It's like looking at the floor of a filled swimming pool. You think you can touch the bottom by putting just dipping your hand in. However, there's a phenomenon called refraction that's laughing at you from somewhere.

"Oi! Mr. world! Conspire in my favor for this once, eh?" beats the heart. The mind on the other hand says, "No, No! You mustn't ask for help, but instead, power through your heart's weakness, for it's a stupid muscle that knows simple things like beating and beating alone. And I, the mighty brain, your true connection to the collective consciousness of all of humanity, am all you need to solve your issues. Not the puny heart."

If your mind ever said that, or anything similar to that, ever, I suggest you consult a psychiatrist, because the brain talking like that is most certainly a sign that you've got issues. As for me, I'me madly enamored by this gorgeous woman that I shouldn't be attracted to. Because she's supposed to be smart, AHHEMMM sexy, and boy, the way her hips move when she walks, it knocks the daylights out of me. Not because it is seductive or stuff (hell it is!), but more than that, it has the innocence of a kind that's hard to find. Not that the lady in question is innocent herself. She's got her quirks, strange ones, subtle ones, crazy ones, crazying ones, so on and so forth. But I wake up everyday and thank my fortunes for showing me this one piece of art that manages to get my blood pumping in the eerie cold of my immediate surroundings. Yes, there's a good chance that I might never get to hold her tight, every ounce of her. However, I still won't lose the many heart-throbbing afternoons, and the heart-wrenching evenings I've endured. Maybe they'll make me hardier some day in the future.  

The moves you make

I stumbled upon an article about how Formula 1 pretty much reinvented itself after the death of one of its most celebrated drivers, Ayrton Senna. The piece is over two years old, and as I later noticed, it was written by this young lady who I've come to admire deeply in the past few months or so. About the piece, what struck me most was how simply it was worded. No high-flying wordy nonsense, no complicated terminology that sends you running to the dictionary. It was simple, to the point, lucid, like an 18 year old is telling you a story about something that she's fervently passionate about. I was so moved by the simplicity of what I read, even inspired, dare I say, that I decided to write something simple myself.

No, it's not about Motor Sports, love. I hardly have any experience in that subject, save for the odd one-make races that I have witnessed on a race-track. I need to mention that those experiences too are something to the credit of this aforementioned young lady, for my life, thus far, has been far removed from lap-times, unless you're talking about 400-metre relays, of course.

But what I can write simply about is running, jumping, leaping, lifting, pulling, pushing and other monkeying-around moves that we are all capable of, They keep us in the shape and size that we are supposed to be in. However, off late, we are more concerned about the shape and size of the screens we carry around in our pocket. Sadly, the fact is that if you happen to read this, chances are that you will be doing so on one of those screens. But if you plan on sweating it out, be it for health reasons, or kicking your stress (or yourself) in the butt, here are a few moves that will give you guaranteed results, no conditions applied.
I have been accused of being a misogynist by a some nitwits. However, I love ladies, and it a point to tell them  how attractive they are. Yes, that's a mild digression, but what I want to say is this. In case there are any ladies(if at all) reading this, I plead you to try these moves instead of walking on a yawn-inducing treadmill. Don't worry, you won't develop body-builder-rivaling biceps and triceps, unless you're into stuff like that.

Here's the list
-Squats
-Pushups
-Skipping/Jogging
-Planks
-Pull-ups
-Dead lifts

Squats
It's the simplest move you can do that WILL get your heart pumping. You don't need your crush to walk by, you don't need to drive in the opposite lane with oncoming traffic. Hell, you don't even need to watch a horror movie. Simply sit your butt down, come back up. If you're a beginner, aim to do that 50 times. If you're a pro, go on till 500 if you like. But by the end of it, your thighs, lungs and heart will plead clemency. The best bit? You don't even need gym equipment for it!
Just as a side-note, don't let your knees go ahead of your foot when you're descending. Also, keep your torso as upright as possible through out the movement.

Push-ups
If you're a guy, this will probably be a test of your ego. How many can you do? If the number is under 20, get a sex-change or something. Do that, or do more push-ups! If you're a lady nevertheless, please do them, like please!
The move itself looks easy to do, isn't it? It is in fact quite a test of a person's upper body strength, and like the squat, it needs nothing but your own bodyweight. Also, there's a whole variety of them that you can do, depending on your level of strength and fitness levels. And if you have competition, there are few things that will give you a kick out of doing them.

Skipping/Jogging
I'll elaborate on skipping first, as it requires the rope and little else other than your concentration. And also, skipping first as it gets the job done quicker and even gives your upper body a good sweat-session. Most of us have done this as kids, especially if you're girls - two of you moving the rope and the third one monkeying up and down in the middle, and you took turns at doing it and what not. For guys, it has always about who can do the most by themselves, and then some. It was fun, right? And then we grew up and grumpy and things. So out went the fun. Now, all we skip is meals. Get hold of that rope, get into your room , move your bed and table to the furthermost corners and SKIP! SKIP! SKIP! SKIP!
 Because jogging needs space and shoes, a dry weather and a bright day etc etc.
Side-note again: Try skipping with a little bend in your knees, and preferably on a soft surface, or maybe with your running shoes(yeah, that's a bit contradictory to the jogging bit.), just to keep the knees safe from the constant impact.

Planks
Another one of the body-only movements that requires ABSOLUTELY no equipment, clothes(hee hee hawww hawww hawww!!!) or even movement for that matter. Here's all you need to do.

Yeah, that's it. 

Looks super-easy, eh? Hold it for a minute (most people struggle), and your abdominals (a.k.a abs) will squeal. There are too many benefits of doing planks, so check them for yourself if you're curious.

Pull-ups
Yeah, this is the scary one for many a men, let alone ladies. Why are we so intimidated by this one? No clue. Happily, most of us start out with a single pull-up. That's all most starters can muster. But stay at it, and there isn't exactly a limit, until about 30 or something. Just kidding. There's never been a limit to anything, has there?
Arnold Schwarzenegger's book on body-building says that even if you can do just one pull-up, do it, but do a total of 20 in the whole day. Your strength will build up eventually. If you can't do one pull-up.... well, there's a trick.
Jump to the top-position-

The position on the left

How do you get to that position? Use a chair or your brains or something. So once you're up there, descend slowly. And REPEAT! You'll eventually grow the arm-strength required to pull yourself up without the chair. And presto!

Yes, you do need a pull-up bar for this. Or if you're smart, you can hang onto the ledge of a loft if you have one of them at home.  

Dead-lift
Here's a tough one, which is why, it's left for the last. And you need gym equipment for this one. But if you can nail this move, you virtually don't need to perform anything else to strengthen your body. It needs your entire body, arms, legs, abs bums and the whole shebang to work in unison. So not only does it strengthen your entire body, it also gets your body to work in sync. 

Here's the mechanics of it-

The bar travels from the floor to the top in one straight line. 

Here's what things look like in motion.

For illustrative purposes, I'd have liked the next one better.... err..

The way this lady's doing it though, is a bit off. But I know, it's fun, right?.

Keep the back as flat as possible, don't let it round up like this...

 Push the weight off the ground with your legs, and focus on keeping your back straight. Else, it'll screw your back and you could even get a herniated disc (slipped-disc). But do it right, and you'll be of the few who have a balanced body. Like a boss. 

Butt-cracking jokes

I look outside the window and see the clouds that are going to soon turn into rain. But for now, Mumbai is left standing for a downpour. Yes, there are a few Mumbai folks who have managed to click photos of a few instances where the clouds have pissed around for fun. But the city looks somewhat parched.

Rains... I remember, my last proper date, it happened in Kerala, just as the rains were starting out. My left hand and myself, ahahahaha.....we danced and waltzed and all. Ahem! What? It was this lovely woman, who put her trust in yours truly, and remained happily ever after for the next one month or so. Then everything burst into flames and I-remain-petrified-of-women-ever-after and things of that nature until recently. But lets not get into the recent events, for the sake of peacekeeping, for you see, if I were a bird, I'd happily choose to be a dove or something. A dove with a sexy arse, guns for wings, the head of a fire-breathing dragon and a fart so powerful that it would help me attain the speed of light on the day I consumed legumes!!

One second. How did things go from rains to farts? Anyway, since I mentioned the dove's arse, now I'll talk about butt-cracks. Butt-cracks are cleavages that are hilarious. They are your ticket to happiness in an age where breasts have been placed on a pedestal. More importantly, butt-cracks are cleavages that don't look good neither when blatantly put on display, or when subtly exposed. Especially not so when someone bends over and unsuspectingly displays their Grand Canyon. That even happened to Jeremy Clarkson, the ex-Topgear and now "whatever" host. Now you know how closely people watched TopGear. Let me not tell you which car review it happened during.

 A noteworthy observation about butt-cracks here. You see, those who have good, round, rumpy buttocks, are less likely to be embarrassed by the sight of their crack-at-the-back than those who don't have the(or have very small)  gluteus-maximus(the muscle in the bum). That's because the bum, if shapely, will keep your pants in place. So even if you are out of shape, but your derriere is nice and round, don't bother when you bend over. Just to be safe, WEAR A FUCKING BELT FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! That especially holds true of your arse is droopy or absent altogether. But if you're ballsy(or butt-crackey) enough, screw the belt and....

To end on an even lighter note, here's a joke. A sardaar kid was up to no good at school, and as a result, some teacher of his gave him a good spanking. I know, horny teacher, she must have been into that kind of a thing. After the spanking, the disheartened(why?) mini-sardaar took his aching bums and went to the bathroom to 'assess' the extent of the damage. He looked his bum in the mirror and exclaimed.... "साली ने इतना मारा  की पिछवाड़े के दो टुकड़े कर दिये।" Translation: The bitch spanked me so bad, my arse's been split in two!

A brief history of... err... bollocks?

Let's talk five decades of humanity through the eyes of someone who's been around for a little over two. It's needless to say that opinions expressed here are purely personal, and if you see the name of a girl anywhere, that's the girl who I have a huge crush on....

For convenience sake, I'll start with the 70s because

a) that saves you from the gibberish I have to talk about the 60(about which I anyway know little about except for the Indo-China war, the whole hippie movement and a bit about Woodstock, about which, again, I just know that The Beetles and Bob Dylan didn't turn up for. And that there was a lot of drugs and sex there too.)

b) As I said, I know little about the 60 (actually, even about the 70s, 80s, 90s and even for that matter the 2000s.)
And so, about the 70s.. Oh shit! I don't know anything about the 70 except that Godfather, Sholay, Rocky, Star Wars, Golmaal, Taxi Driver and many more awesome movies came along in this decade. 

So lets get to the 80s where a lot happened... err like my parents must have graduated and things, 1984 went whizzing by and all of George Orwell's predictions got postponed for another 60 years. However, Mr. Steven Jobs leveraged the idea behind Orwell's dystopian book and sold to many the Macintosh, which was just a fancy desktop computer that no one really wanted, but bought anyway(As with most things Apple sells). The drugs must have worn off or something, everyone getting off the hangover. What that did was give people no other choice but to twerk to disco music, goodness that atrocious thing! Why didn't the Terminator come along and take out Bappi Lahiri and the Bling-gang? We could have gotten rid of the 90s altogether! But then, the inevitable 90s came.

With the onset of the 90s, the Gen-X population started getting threatened by their successors, the toddlers that were going to be quite unimaginatively called Gen-Y. Us basically. Cranky, pesky choice-riddled brats who saw more of the world through a screen than through their own eyes. Very strange. What LSD and pot was to the 60s and 70s, it's Facebook, Whatsapp and Twitter for us now. We're the gang who take pride in saying things like....

The sad bit? I know Jiggly Puff is responsible for this facial graffiti. That still doesn't make me awesome. 

 I'd say....

The worst are the little retards that go about singing the 90s....

And about yours truly....

Yes, I do realize I might run into a few copyright issues. But who gives a shit?

I'm just petrified about our population that's come into existence after the 2000s. What do they say? Oh! I was born with a cell-phone up my arse and my speech bubble looks like...

And are these kids called Gen-Z by any chance? If so, what are we going to call the next generation? And why were Gen-A-through-W so lost in obscurity?