Weirdly inexplicable

It doesn't take a moment's worth of weakness to undo days, months, or even years of control. One slip, and everything goes tumbling down the hill, uncontrollably snowballing into something bigger every instant it rolls.

We thought we had it under control. That's precisely when a gust of wind came by, and dismantled our grasp of reality. No apologies for the dramatics.

Feelings. Some bunch of creatures were tricked into playing cards with nature. They tossed and turned in their turmoil, spontaneously giving birth to an entity called intelligence. Poof! We gained awareness, the line of creatures who followed the poor souls who lost, or won that game of cards with nature. Goodness knows what the outcome of that game was. No! Maybe, for all we know, there was no outcome of that game. That the game is still going on.

We feel because of intelligence. Not that a slap to the face will feel very different if you are a genius, than to a bum, unless of course there's some serious issue with one's nervous system. Nonsense aside, let's dive straight into a few things that trouble me as of now.

There's always going to be stuff we feel for the first time. As the line goes in the movie "Munnabhai M.B.B.S.",

"Life mein bahut kuchh first time hota hai re!"
(Lot of stuff in life happens for the first time, buddy!)

 The fist feeling I remember having felt is while going to school for the first time. Despite the new attire, the new bag, lunch box, water bottle, and all the kiddie stationary like the scented erasers, the day still feels miserable. I had a big issue with the lining of my socks. It hurt my toes as it pressed and rubbed against them. Specially more so when I wore my shoes. It angered me, the irritation. To the point that I wanted to take my socks and throw them away. I remember my mom giving me a piece of her mind for the annoying prick I was turning out to be on that day. It was rage mixed with helplessness. Half an hour went by. My parents dropped me to my school. They were leaving. For some reason, the lady whom I felt like punching in the face a while ago, her arms were the only place where I could seek solace in, in that moment. Sucks. Just thinking about it sucks!

That was misery.  Or so I realize now.

My dad throwing the cricket ball at me out of anger, for I not having hit the last ball correctly, and I blasting the ball away, with every intention of tearing the ball apart with the bat in my hand... that is pure anger, pointless nevertheless. But pure anger. Not maddening anger. Not yet.

This girl walked into class for the first time. New student. Her accent had a hint of Americanization. Dusky skin, sharp eyes, and goodness, she looked like an angel. That's the first time I remember my heart sinking at the sight of a human of the opposite gender. Grade 7. I told my friend about a weird feeling in the chest. I'd never felt this way before. And that day, I remember feeling like a complete bum. The sort of monkeying around I remember my kid-self do puts me to shame even now. Besides, what I do nowadays doesn't exactly feel a lot different from what I used to do back then. First love? No idea. For I still don't know if "love" has smacked me on the head. Honestly, I don't even know the meaning of the four letter word. But yes. That day, over 12 years ago, I became sentient.

Sadness... Here's something I've not felt again. Sounds haughty enough. But most of us who happen to be able to read this, have never really felt truly sad. As in TRULY SAD! That said, I shall repeat... "Most of us". We've lived privileged lives, had everything that we asked for. Maybe a few things took a while to come, but they did come by. The worst thing that has happened was a heart-break, or an "F" grade in some subject in school or college, that was not going to come of any use in future anyway. Yes! There are those of us who's lives were calamitous. They grazed by, just in time, or maybe just a bit late. But all in all, everybody was home and dry when it was raining outside, unless someone decided to get wet outside.  There may have been disappointments, minor setbacks, moments of unhappiness. But just because you're not happy, doesn't mean that you are sad.

Contempt- Now here's something new. I knew the meaning of the word, not that I can put the meaning in words. I had a speculative idea of what the word meant. But when I felt the feeling, when I truly felt the meaning if contempt, it was a truly new experience. That urge to look down upon someone, when the person pleads on the basis of a lack of virtues, or when someone talks in murmurs because of a lack of courage to speak out loud. And oh! When people discuss others behind their backs! How puny their existence is!

I forget who said this. I saw this in a library.

Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people.

 My jaws dropped for a moment, when I read this. I still don't completely understand why. But that smile still feels comforting.

Now, to lust. This is one of the words that has gotten a rap on the wrist. Despite being the most natural of all things,  everyone, or almost a big chunk of everyone has been tricked into associating lust with immorality.  Stupid preachers.

It's not just lust for the opposite sex (or for the same sex, just in case I miss out on that small demographic) in general. Sometimes, you're so taken by this one person who happens to swing by in your life. It appears as love. Or maybe it is love. No idea. But there is a huge, I mean HUGE lust component to the equation. And it is completely out of your control! You're just drawn to this one particular person. It has the capacity to drive you completely crazy. That urge to touch, feel the skin of this one human, every square inch of this person... tantalizing! It's unstoppable at times. It feels like worlds joining through the connection between two bodies, grappling with their own existence and also with each other.

Next, the do-gooders. This, per se is not a feeling, but it is the way the good people, the genuinely good people, not the sycophants who talk behind others backs, make you feel. And personally, I'm not a big fan of the way these genuinely good people make one feel. Specially when you know for a fact that they have no ulterior motive behind their acts of goodness. You get a feeling that you owe them something. The only trouble being that you have nothing you owe them for. And the "thank you" you keep chanting for every deed of theirs, starts to feel inadequate. Not that one can do anything about it. What a bummer!

Attraction... Now here's the deal breaker. Sometimes you see this person. Your mind just gets HOOKED. It becomes difficult to look anywhere else. Your friends begin to winder what's it that's gotten into you. It's like being possessed. Just to keep magnetic polarity out of the equation, you feel like a piece of iron, and the object of your attraction is one bloody strong magnet! You get drawn toward the magnet, with a mindless symphony that becomes the background of your existential angst. Are there any violins that I can hear in the orchestra? No idea. For I can hear the sound of violins, long before they begin.

The worst thing you can do at times when you feel attraction of this sort is to hold yourself from doing what you want to do. It is an unpardonable crime to keep yourself from acting out your desires. From personal experience, all it takes in most cases is walking up an saying "Hi!". Forget the rest of the sounds. It's all background noise.

I-want-to-break-your-nose madness. Now THIS is maddening anger. The one where steam comes out of your ears, like in the cartoons. The face goes all red. All the veins on your arms, and sometimes even the face, pop put like merely touching them would make them spurt blood everywhere. It is highly advisable that you do not go near anyone who looks even remotely like the person described above. Your life shall certainly be at risk if you do.

I do not recollect the first time I felt this way. It's probably because that's my party trick. I'm always "I-want-to-break-your-nose" angry. Thanks, Hulk!

If you happen to be the person feeling every vein in your body throbbing, because someone, or something pushed you that tad bit too far, you know exactly how badly you want to tear the fabric of the universe into shreds. May the believers pray to their lords to save them from your wrath! For if you let loose, there won't be no grapes. The world around you shall only see you, and nemesis by your side.