Wanderings

Thanks for staying visible. Thanks for allowing rays of light to bounce off of the presence that I once took for granted. For my sight is all that remains of me to take in the last of what remains. My voice has become far too bleak to be audible to my own ears. That, or I have contorted myself around the vibrations that emanate from somewhere deep within. 

I had years by my side. Now all that remains are a few days that shall, in all likelihood, pass in silence. Little did I know what separated silence from solitude. Not until I decided to take a stroll onto the lanes of my mind. A little trip of my own. 

Now, I'm not much of a god-person. And yet, I took up the courage to enter this church that I came across. I get a feeling that I was being played. For as fate would have it, the church was named "Morning Star". Lucifer. Lucifer means "Morning star" too. It is purely a coincidence, or some dirty trick that my mind wants to play with me. 

It was evening.  The sun hid behind the translucence of the hazy sky. You couldn't call it cloudy. It was a thin veil of mist somewhere up above. All I could recollect was the silence. I was barely a hundred feet from the main road. But the noise proofing of this place was absolutely impeccable. So much so that the eerie silence left me a bit spooked, five minutes into the place. Houses all around, but no one to be seen. All windows blackened, no sign of life. The clothes hung on the line outside, having dried a while ago. That was all the sign there was of a life behind the locked doors. And most depressing of all, the doors of the church were locked shut. Almost like I wasn't welcome inside. The occupants would have sensed a lack of god-fear. But the silence was good company. Although I could have used my lady's company. She was sleeping somewhere close by, for all I know.

I let myself out of the church. The entire time, there was only one song playing in my head. This "song" from the movie "Summer In Bethlehem".I don't know why my mind chose that particular song out of my mental play-list. I don't understand a single word of the song, despite my 100% pure Malayali ancestry. What a shame! All I know for a fact is that the song left me in a contemplative limbo. I almost felt delusional. Then I realized that I always feel delusional. 

After getting out of the church's compound, I let my feet take me where ever they wanted to go. I didn't put much thought into where I was going. This wasn't exactly a good decision on my part. For my legs brought me in front of the lane, rather a by lane, that I dreaded encountering from the very beginning of my mindless wandering. I was afraid of my mind snapping anytime. Yet, I allowed myself the courage to enter that by lane. The second or third gate on the left, the one I was never to pass, the one that houses something that I can call indescribable, at best. 

I wanted to see if nature preserves the thin mirage of peace and of the place, behind which a torrential rain awaits patiently to drown everything in its path in a deluge of madness. 

It was rather surprising how conveniently I could avert the flood from sweeping my sanity away. 

The house behind the gate, another one with completely blacked out windows. No sign of life. I'd been told to try and avoid coming to this place as much as I could. But for some reason, I wanted to see if I could walk away from in front of that house, that gate, unscathed. And walk I did. Somehow feeling undone, although. 

What I did realize during this short walk of mine is that one is only a push away from an endless fall into the abyss. What is also clear is how not so difficult it is to keep yourself from taking that leap into the abyss. Survival mechanisms. Evolution has sufficiently taken care of keeping most of us from turning into Kamikaze pilots for no rhyme or reason.

The best part was that the roads I took on my walk, looked a lot different than usual. For one, these were the same trails I use for running. So they went by a bit slower for one. Second being that I could observe, and absorb so much more of my surroundings, specially more so in this contemplative mood of mine. Stupidities of mine came running to bite me. That's the thing about stupidities. Firstly, they happen. Secondly, you realize that they happened. Thankfully for the second part, you console yourself that you would learn from your first times, and not repeat yourself. Looks like it doesn't exactly work that way. Alas. Perverse little arse of mine. Problem is, it's not exactly "little".