The universe that went missing

Did I cook up that heading? Feels like someone else doing the work for me.

The rate at which my thoughts seem to be racing past me is quite unimaginable right now.

Never before has my belief in solipsism been stronger. But what if... Just what if there's another person who can hear my thoughts? Is that even possible? And I's surprised that I'm writing what I'm writing. Because tomorrow, these words that I write won't make any sense to me, let alone anyone else.

We humans, as a race, have become so enthusiastic about our virtual lives. Photos, selfies, likes, shares, it's all there up in the cloud somewhere. And when it is all up there somewhere, what's the whole point of making things into real tangible commodities? I'm sure that in future, babies will be made online. Real human babies made via the Internet. No talking, no wooing.... Just say the magic words "Kid Wanted". BOOM! A fairy will drop one in your balcony.

Hmm..  So I am saying all this in my head, apparently.

"You're so different from the others. Dude, you know what? Remind me of this when we meet tomorrow, okay?"

Of all the things I heard the night before, this line rings in my ears for some very strange reason. I replay it as best as I can remember. It felt like a scene from a movie. A movie where the intended next day never happened somehow. So I wonder. How many things there are that stay, or get left unsaid. I don't even know if the last line is grammatically correct. Trouble being that the part of my head responsible for grammatical corrections is currently out of order. Or that's the most stylish way I can put forward my present disability. Each line that I think makes me think "What the hell am I thinking?".

I guess it is when your thought process gets so mangled that you know for a fact that shit has hit the fan. Yuck!

Another thing that I remember is this one fellow telling me about someone he knows who writes out his ramblings the way I do. I do not know how to make my point subtly, and hence, I think I should refrain from making this part of my thoughts  available in the public domain.

Oh shit! There's another line that stays in my memory...

"Imagine, no one knew this shit existed!"

Not a single one probably understood a word of what was being uttered. But you see, put a bunch of nut-cases together, and the magic unfolds. Each one of us had a different universe unraveling itself with every moment. But each of those universes were linked somehow. It probably was the words that gave each universe its origin and branching points.

This is getting scarier by the moment. Talking gets a little difficult. Specially given that I'm not a very strong proponent of talking. It's always more convenient to put the onus of talking onto the person in front. They get to talk about all they want to talk about, stuff they don't get to talk about because everyone else is too busy talking about what they want to talk about. So you get to have a conversation, know the person in front, get the reputation of a good conversationalist, and everyone remains happily ever after. Besides, it saves you your energy of thinking of ways to initiate, maintain and end a conversation intelligently. Brilliant! Am I the first one to think of this? Re reading the last line makes me laugh for reasons unknown to me.

I wonder how a normal mind would react to all of this. I'm sure I'll get to know that soon enough.

Da, Lunch!

I might just break down while writing this one. I know I won't, but something inside feels like tearing everything apart. Screw it!

I feel I have deluded myself into believing in wrong reasons, attributing incorrect rationalizations to the reasons for my ballsy nature. All this seems to be a rant about myself, which is rather strange in my case, as I told someone yesterday that I don't have much to talk about.

The only thing I can say for sure is that the adrenaline rush is worth killing for.

I was walking around her "protective cover", or what she thought was her insurance policy. Phew! Wooing is hard work! And being brazen takes its toll on you. But what's the point of all the energy in store if you can't do what you want?

Had she been sitting, her legs would have looked as though she were about to  get convulsions. You could see her smiling because of all the attention she was getting. It was then that her partner in crime said something that went like this

"I know! She's so desperate to smile..."

And my lady, for not being able to do anything else, looked at me and flashed her teeth... All 32 of them at me. I have no clue as to why she did that. Nut case.

I kept walking after we parted. Partly in damage-control mode, partly because of the cluelessness of what I was/wanted to do next. For some inexplicable reason, I still had a smile on my face. I got hold of myself, turned around, and started walking back the direction in which I'd come. The trees on either side of the Rajpath caught my fancy. I walked down the long stretch of road in a daze, with little or no thought, looking up and around of what was to remain in my life for only another 2-3 months.

"You know what? You wouldn't even see me after 15th May. I'll be gone. Like smoke."

Why did I just type that line? Again, screw it.

From the other end of the road, another lady, a really quirky one I've come to know for a while now, was walking towards me. We waved. So far, all cool...

"Hey! You told me you'll take me to that Rajasthani thhali place. So when are you taking me there?"

I thought for a while... Three classes left to go in the day. Bloody hell! And the marketing work too! Meh, Screw it!

"Chalo, let's go right now. I'll take you there for lunch today." *Ting!*

Planned stuff never works. And all the unplanned stuff has completely been mind-blowing!

Normally, I would be worried about who gets to read all this yack that happened inside my head, all of it. But then, right now, I've got other things to think about. So here goes nothing.

Patterns become a lot more clearer. Words lose their meaning. Let alone sentences. Any one apart from yourself seems like a trespasser. Sudoku becomes easier for some reason. You become a lot more aware of bullshit, about not being your true self, and also about things that secretly occupy your subconscious. Again, time for another "What the hell am I saying??" moment.

I'll stop here. Shit. This actually happened!